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TDN

Thursday, June 30, 2016

TDN Commentary: Pit Lizards; How to win them over or get them to leave you alone



Ah yes. We've seen that girl (or guy perhaps), the one that caught your eye wearing next to nothing in the pits. The one who you see sometimes running in and out of different haulers. Some of them are missing teeth. Some of them look hot! Some of them are completely covered from head to toe in more tattoos than uncovered skin and are missing teeth at the same time! And nearly all of them honestly believe they're completely irresistible to their favorite driver! So much so, that they can't conceive of a driver not wanting to be around them.


Yes, since the beginning of dirt tracks, there have been pit lizards. They used to wear more clothes back then, but they had the same nature of the beast we know today. What attracts them? Who knows? The thrill of a minute (maybe less) of romance with a death defying knight in shining armor, or at least a nice looking race car? The potential fifteen minutes of fame that can be incurred from a picture taken on the arm of their favorite driver? Perhaps it is simple as trying to best other pit lizards week in and week out in a battle for the most attention.  Which makes us wonder if we couldn't have a boxing ring battle for pit lizard supremacy in the pits more often.

Regardless, their behavior borders on fascinating. Seemingly enough, as one driver declines a pit lizard's advances, another driver appears to welcome them with open arms setting off yet another round of hauler hopscotch.

So how do you get one to take more interest? How do you get one to go away for good?  We're glad you asked these questions! We're here to help...

Now then....here's our own Caitie McFarlane with some ideas on how some of you guys could attract a perfect pit lizard for you to call your own...

Securing a pit lizard is hard work, so if you want to keep the perfect one at your hauler, here's some helpful tips to keep her around:

- Make sure you know the difference between a pit lizard and a girl who loves dirt racing. A girl who loves dirt racing will be dressed in jeans, flat shoes and a hoodie, will know the differences between cars, know who's running well and who isn't, who is an owner/driver and who drives for someone else. These girls are future speedway wives. These girls are the ones you settle down with once you get sick of the pit lizard drama filled life. Pit lizards are normally easy to pick out by their lack of clothing, ridiculous shoe choices, makeup that looks like they're about to hit the club and they generally hunt in packs of 2 or 3.



- Initial contact is key. If you see a pit lizard walking past that you're keen on, make eye contact and giver her a wink. Guaranteed she will stop hesitantly at your car waiting for a signal to come closer to you, with the exception of the experienced pit lizards... they will walk straight up to you and ask for a selfie. Anything to to be close and/or touch you. Draw in the shy ones with a smile or promotional item.

- Always accept the selfie invitation. Not only will you get to scope out her form, you will also be able to judge her personal hygiene standards before having to commit to a game of tonsil hockey. Halitosis doesn't discriminate! Its also a bit of free self-promotion, as she will post the pic on her 16 different social media accounts, and your sponsors will love you for that kind of exposure. I mean what respectable automotive parts/oil company/transport business doesn't have females between 18-30 as their target market?! You're welcome.

- Talk yourself up! After the selfie is over and there's that awkward few minutes while she crops, adds 4 filters, a vignette and 38 hashtags, you can get in a few words. Use this time wisely as once shes done, its going to be hard to get a word in. This is your time to shine. Talk about all the shiny new race parts you just got, or how much merch you sold last race meet and how she would look good in your T-shirt, which also serves a double purpose of covering her exposed cleavage and midriff up, effectively marking your territory and sending a warning out to other drivers to not touch this one, she's yours. All she will hear is dollar signs and assume you have money. Just don't tell her that racers are generally broke because they spend all their cash on race cars.

- Never ask her to work on/clean your car. Pit Lizards are high maintenance and there is no way she is getting dirt under her false french manicured nails. Its best to ask her to pose with your car for a photo then invite her in to your hauler to see your.... ummm.... spare parts. If she accepts your invitation, congratulations! You've hooked yourself a pit lizard! If she declines... well who are we kidding, as if she would turn you down. You're a superstar driver and she's dying to be seen on your arm, claiming you as hers for as long as you will have her, which could be anywhere from 2 minutes to a few weeks.

Now go out in to the wild world that is the pits on race night armed with these vital tips and get yourself some Pit Lizard!




Thanks Caitie, I think we all understand about the mindset of the proverbial pit lizard a good bit more than we did before!


Now then, it just may be that you're not interested in a pit lizard for your own.  And that's okay, they're not for everyone. So if you're being besieged by pit lizards and the thought of another one, hanging out at your hauler, wearing your shirt with drool running down her chin and a look in the eyes that suggests...well we can't quite say here.  But at any rate, if you want to rid yourself of the beasts, here are some guidelines that may work for you!


- If you're unattached, try paying some nice lady to serve as kind of a pit lizard bodyguard. For $50 bucks, even another pit lizard who is already trying to lure another driver will gladly hang on your arm and look lovingly into your eyes, letting all the other pit lizards know that they should keep their distance. Some work even cheaper than that, maybe it'll simply take six beers from the beer stand and a tshirt! At any rate, if they sense that you're hooked up nice and tight with another pit lizard, or nice girl pretending to be one, they'll move on to another driver. Pit lizards have little time to spend on a driver that won't return romantic gestures, they seek the thrill of the chase and capture. Yes, they have that small amount of a soul...



- Remember, most pit lizards won't actually go up to a driver and start the hunt immediately! They work off of crew members first, slowly making their way to more time with the driver. No pit lizard with an ounce of self respect looks to seal the deal upon meeting the driver. So with that in mind. Have your crew members politely tell potential pit lizards that come up to the hauler that you're one of the following: married, with girlfriend, a member of the clergy (that one works very very well!) or will be checking into a mental institution as soon as possible!

- DO NOT under any circumstances EVER let it slip that you may or not have just been through a bad relationship and are really hurting inside. Pit lizards feed off this! They want to be the ones to help heal the wounded soul.  They're full of S___ too!  What they really want is to get what they can out of helping a driver lift their spirits so to speak. The selfie, the stories, the private moments in the hauler, and then....to move on to another driver! Keep that kind of information well hidden at all times! Smile even though you've just had your heart trampled on, never look like you're in despair...it's sweet nectar to a Pit Lizard!

- Politely explain to your interested pit lizard that your one and only love will be racing! You're committed to being the best, and that means no women, no relationships, and any biological need can be taken care of in house so to speak! .  Sure she might think of you as less than manly if you get what we mean, but at least she'll get the picture.  What's the use of being a pit lizard if you're not going to get any attention for it?  Pit Lizards have no soul ;and not much in the way of heart. Always remember that they give up pretty easy for the most part.

So there you have it, a better understanding of pit lizards and how lure one or make sure they never come by your hauler again! They're not so hard to understand......there's not that much too them really!

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